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Didn't know how to say the words ||
With my heart ticking like a bomb in a birdcage
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23rd-Jul-2010 04:08 am - Well..I suppose that went okay.
Okay, so I did manage to talk to my mom last night about the binders. It took me an extremely long time to gather up the courage though. So for an hour and a half, we just sat there in awkward silence watching NCIS and Outbreak. We chatted a bit about making reservations so we can go visit a college in Massachusetts I want to go to, but most of it was just awkward silence. Or maybe it was just awkward for me, not her. I don't know. But anyway, when that's over, I finally manage to ask her after beating around the bush for a while. Her response left a lot to be desired. Like, she let me order them which I am extremely happy and grateful for, but her tone of voice was just oozing disapproval. :( Her exact response was, "Whatever. Order them. I don't care." and she sounded all mad and irritated and stuff, when five minutes before that she was fine. So I feel incredibly guilty. But I went ahead and ordered them.

I'm well aware that it could have gone worse, but things like this have never happened between us. Usually once I talk to her about something, she'll listen and be calm. But with this...everything I do to make myself feel comfortable in my own skin is just wrong in her eyes! It's really upsetting me. And I feel bad that I am upsetting her too. She has enough things to worry about, what with all my other issues and her job and ahhh. I feel like this is just adding to her stress. And she says hurtful things too...not on purpose I don't think, but between her and my sister it just makes me feel extremely bad to the point I start crying. :/ Like they say I'm a lesbian, that it's some weird cross-dressing fetish thing, that I need to go to the doctor and have my testosterone levels checked and fixed so I won't feel like a boy anymore. They tell me because of the things I did in my denial phase that I can't be a boy.

I try to stand up for myself for once, but I dunno, I fail miserably at it. Everything I say gets shot down or denied. So I just give up. I really want to have a heart to heart though, where we can both lay down our feelings, fears, and stuff like that. Maybe we could understand each other better then. Because right now in my house, the idea of me being FTM is like having a pink polka dotted elephant in the middle of the room. Everyone sees it, but no one does anything about it or talks about it.

BUT MY BINDERS SHOULD BE HERE WITHIN TWO/THREE DAYS. EEEEEEEE. :DDD
So today I was talking to this really awesome friend of mine, and she shared with me a website that offers relatively cheap name changing services which she used to change her name. And it honestly seems so much easier than getting a lawyer and all that stuff. Now that I have some solid footing on what needs to be done, the possibility of getting my name changed might actually become a reality before college. So I'm rather excited about that! I can't do it now because I'm under 18 though. Bah.

Which actually leads me to my next point. Do I really want Kaci to be my official name? Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the name, but I hate the fact that it's unisex. I want a boy name, not a boy/girl name, and certainly not a girl name like my birth name. HOWEVER. Everyone knows me as Kaci, and I don't want to cause trouble for everyone by changing my name so suddenly to something different. But at the same time, I have to do what's right for me, not what's easier for everyone else. As much as I really do adore being Kaci, it really is an androgynous name, and I have a feeling that I'm gonna be an androgynous looking person whenever I decide to transition. So I want a name that's a bit more masculine than Kaci. I'm being extremely picky though, as I want my initials to be the same. So the name absolutely must start with a K. I really adore the name Keagan, so we'll see.

Plus another reason why I wouldn't wanna be Kaci as an official name is because, well, my initials are KC. So I get so many "Herp a derp! THAT'S YOUR INITIALS! XB!" comments.

It's confusing since I originally picked out the name in third grade, but then people refused to call me it until two years ago. So I've been Kaci for the past two years. Bleh! Why must it be so confusing! :X Thoughts and opinions anyone?

Oh, and as for the binder babble part of this entry. Well, I've decided to grow some balls an stand up to my mother about this. I'm sick of wearing heavy sweatshirts to hide my boobs in eighty degree weather. =__=; But just the sight of them makes me so incredibly dysphoric that I'd rather run the risk of getting heat exhaustion than having people see my chest. It's pathetic and sad, but it's true. So yeah...tonight I'm going to talk to her about it. I'm going to sit her down, sit myself down, and outright tell her that I'm going to be buying binders with my money. Hopefully I'll have enough balls to tell her instead of ask her.

So yeah, wish me luck! :>
Goodess has it been up and down lately! Thankfully it's mostly been up, but there's been some down moments. Mostly when I'm bored, alone, and thinking too much. But in short, I had a fantastic vacation with a close friend and my family. <3 Then I hung out with her again and another friend for a couple hours a few days after I got back. Theeeeen today I hung out with her again and we went to the art store with my mom. XD It was simply amazing!

You know, I had a lot more planned for this entry, but I took a melatonin and now my brain is fuzzy. So I'm just gonna save whatever I was gonna talk about tonight and save it for tomorrow night if I remember. XD
29th-Jun-2010 01:50 am - You're living but you've got no soul
My god. What a crazy last few weeks it's been. Let's see, between crazy mood swings, finishing up my Junior year of high school (fuck you finals), and going to AnimeNEXT '10 with some really amazing people, I've been just...exhausted. Plus, mood swings are exhausting. I don't care what anyone says, they are fucking tiring. Being depressed is tiring. Being happy is tiring. Hell, just being alive is tiring. I'm seriously at my wit's end. I'm always mentally exhausted no matter what I do, and I think it's starting to affect my physical health again. Like, for the past three days I've been headachey, nauseous, fatigued, stomach achey. Just overall unfun physical feelings. :( And I don't know what to do about it! Aghh.

Yesterday was a rough day for me too. I don't get it. I was fine, perfectly fine the first half of the day. Then all of the sudden, the switch was flipped and I went into "Super bitch mode". All the sudden I just got very agitated and irritable. :/ But I didn't wanna be alone, but I kept on pushing everyone away. Very odd. You see, because I knew if I was alone, I'd wind up SI-ing. But at the same time, I was so agitated that people were just pissing me off by existing. Like, I am extremely phobic of getting close to people. And yesterday I just felt threatened by people, and when I feel threatened and cornered, I lash out. So it just puts everyone involved, including myself, in a very awkward position. And I know it's unfair to the people around me, and I know that everyone is not out to fuck me over and screw me over. Everyone is not out use me, hurt me, and then abandon me like some kind of broken, dysfunctional child's toy. It's just hard to believe it when you hear these awful voices in your head telling you these awful things, and then people, intentionally or unintentionally, prove to you that those voices are right. It's just like...who or what do you believe?

And before this entry gets too terribly depressing, I am going to bed now. Good night.
2nd-Jun-2010 01:50 pm - There's beauty in the breakdown
Okay so, first of all. PROM WAS SO FUCKING AMAZING THAT I FORGOT TO TAKE PICTURES DURING THE PROM. OTL I FAIL I'M SORRY XD But my friend caught me dancing on video lmao. And I took a bunch of cam-whore pictures of me in the car since we were stuck in traffic for god knows how long. D:<

Prom Pictures!

Look at them, you know you want to! And yes, I am aware that I look like the adopted Asian foster child in the picture of my mom and my sister. >_> And what is this? Kaci wearing make up?! QUICK RUN TO YOUR BOMB SHELTERS. THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US.

Surprisingly, the make up didn't make me feel all that dysphoric about my gender. In fact I looked at myself in the mirror, grinned, and said, "Damn I'm a pretty boy!" Just...don't get used to it haha. I much prefer going without make up.

More stuff about prom! Only in vlog form! :D

So now that's out of the way, let's talk about more bittersweet things.

So I had a really intense therapy session the other day. Like to the point I started crying. See, I brought the pieces of paper that I wrote all my trans-related secrets on, you know, the ones from the video in my last entry. I showed them to my therapist and we talked a bit. Then somehow we got on the topic of why I'm not open with my mom about such things, even though I tell her almost everything. We also got on the topic of how much it means to me to be addressed by the right name and the right pronouns, and how even the little things can help, like being allowed to wear boy clothes, binding, and all that stuff. But I felt like my mom didn't even support me on the little things, and I'm the kind of person who needs to have his mom's approval before doing anything, even something stupid like getting a soda from the fridge. o.O So yeah, we brought her in to talk about that. It...didn't seem to go so well at first. She was all, "No boy's clothes don't fit right on her, there's no point, blahblahblah etc". Then when we got to pronouns and the right name, she was all, "I'm not calling her this this and that. What about the rest of the family? How will they react?" Then there was some awkward silence, and then she was all, "I'm not calling her that. I'm not ready." So then my therapist had me wait in the waiting room to talk to my mom privately. So I"m in the waiting room, and I start crying because I felt like such a fucking failure. Like I disappointed my mom, which absolutely kills me to do. So I started crying really hard, and by the time they were done talking I was crying to the point I couldn't talk. :| So then my therapist explained to me that it's not that my mom doesn't want to support me. In fact, she said it was quite the opposite. My mom would rather me be happy and stable as a man, then unhappy and suicidal as a woman. So yeah...when I heard that it felt like such a relief. The only reason she's not being more supportive is because of my father. :/ She's scared of how he will react when he finds out. I mean, he already knows, but he flipped out when he found out. So it's now a taboo thing in my house to talk about. It's like the elephant in the room - everyone knows it's there, but no one's talking or doing anything about it.

Plus she's just trying to protect me from all the negative reactions I'll get by coming out. But that just makes me feel worse, because I feel like I have to continue living a lie. I feel like my whole fucking life is a big lie, that I'm lying to people just by simply existing as a girl. Just...I don't know what to do. =__=;

But at least I know my mom supports me underneath all her unsupportive comments. But I feel like we're just both lying to each other at this point.

I'm off to go play the sims. Too much depressing stuff in this entry.

OH. I GOT AMBITIONS TOO. :D Whooooo!!
27th-May-2010 12:09 am - I have many secrets
And today, I will share some with you.



Prom is tomorrow! Super excited! :D

And oh oh oh, today this girl in my school was like, "Omg Kaci! You make such a cute boy!" And I started smiling like crazy. So I guess I'm half passing, because she also said, "It's so cool you look like a boy with boobies!" o.O;

But hey, half passing is better than not passing! :D
26th-May-2010 02:31 am - [insert song lyrics here]
So, in regards to how I've been feeling these past few days, I drew a picture expressing it all. In all honesty, it didn't take very long. Probably an hour at most. And it's strange, because I like it so much more than some of the pictures I put hours and hours of work into them. I mean, it's only a simple sketch with some lyrics, but wow, just drawing that made me feel so much better. So tomorrow I'm going to attempt to watercolor it. For those curious, the picture is here.

I also got my hair cut todayy~ And it looks amazing. XD I love it! It's a fauxhawk-ish thing. And apparently it makes me look masculine, which made me so happy to hear! My hairstylist is so cool. The first time he cut my hair short he was all nervous because I had shoulder length hair, and I must of had him cut at least 60%-70% of it off. xD But this time he was all, "yeah let's do it!" and it was nice. I was scared to give him the picture of my hair style, because it is a male hair style and such, and I got all nervous that he'd ask me questions or try to point me in a more feminine direction. But he didn'tttt~ 8D He's so cool!

Click for pictures!Collapse )

Spanish class had an interesting moment in it today. My Spanish teacher accidentally called me a boy, which made me all happy inside. But then this other kid is all "No way! Kaci is the farthest thing from a boy!" Which kind of made me go D: But oh the irony of it all!

Oh, I started a vlog on youtube centered around my trans-ness. xD I have two videos up so far, and I plan to make more because they're actually kind of fun to make.

Watch them or else!

Prom in two days. Eek!
So yeaaaah. About that last entry, I'm still rather shaken up by the whole thing about admitting what I feel. :[ But I've been running away for months and months about what I've been feeling, even going as far as to isolate from people. Then recently I told someone I trusted, and she really helped put it in perspective for me. She made me feel so much better about the whole thing...like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. But of course, other weight's have replaced that weight lifted off my shoulders about the same topic. I am reluctant to talk about it a lot because I do not want to sound obsessive, or like a grade school kid experiencing their first "crush".

But as much as I hate to admit it, I guess in essence that's what it is like. I'm experiencing something for the first time. It's new, it's terrifying me, and I hate it. I don't care if it's a human thing to feel, I'd rather be inhuman then. It feels so, so unsafe to feel. I know that by feeling this I'm setting myself up to be depressed, lonely, and all these other negative things. And I just can't deal with that. Emotionally I just can't. I mean, a friendship ends and I'm fucking devastated to hell. And feeling what I'm feeling is a friendship destroyer, don't convince me otherwise because I know. I know all too well. >_x; I've seen it happen! This can only end in disaster. -mega pessimistic-

I also talked to my therapist about this today, and I almost started crying in therapy, which would have been really embarrassing. I mean, I don't cry over shit like this. I never have. Why start now? This is insanely frustrating for me. I don't know what to do. My therapist says to just be mindful of the feelings, and to radically accept them for what they are instead of trying to avoid, dissociate, and run away from them. She says it's like finding a new shirt in my closet I didn't buy. She says that I need to accept the shirt, I need to admit and acknowledge it's there. I don't have to like it, or do anything with it including wear it. I just have to be aware of its existence...and maybe occasionally try it on for size.

Just agh. I don't know. :(
I...I really don't like this feeling.

I feel like a walking contradictory.

I feel like I've betrayed everything about me.

I'm confused, guilty, ashamed, a whole plethora of negative emotions.

Just fuck. This isn't me at all. :(

I'm not going to go into details here. I just need a place to whine and bitch and moan about how I want to cry and scream and just crawl into a hole and never come out ever again.

I'm so mad at myself for letting myself feel this way. I shouldn't feel this way. But I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of having the greatest friends a guy could ask for, but feeling so damn alone. I hate feeling like something is missing from my life. I hate admitting what it is, but being way too chickenshit to do anything about it.

I'm setting myself up for failure and depression and I know it, but I'm rendered unable to do anything to prevent it. It's frustrating that the barriers have come down slightly, so now I must work on putting them back up.

Because in the end, I'll only wind up hurt and/or hurting. :|

Just agh. Fuck me and fuck my life. Fuck emotions.

I need some fuckin' therapy right about now. =____=;
Holyyyyy shit. holyshitholyshitholyshit. I am so amazingly happy right now that I'm just...wow.

So, you guys know my friend who just randomly stopped talking to me for no reason at all? Well, today I was looking through my phone, and I found his name and got all depressed 'cause I miss him 'n all that jazz. Last night, I had sent him a message on facebook, because I found him on facebook and I really want to get back in contact with him, despite all the bullshit and drama that he's caused in my life. So anyway, all that aside, I sent him a text message, not really expecting a reply back. But lo and behold...I get a reply back! Immediately my eyes started tearing up out of happiness. So we exchanged a few text messages, and then I called him. As soon as he said "Hello", I burst out crying. But it was a happy cry. I was crying of happiness. I sat there on the phone crying for like ten minutes because I was so happy to hear his voice, to be in contact with him again. Just wow...it was just so amazing.

We talked for two hours straight, no awkward silence or anything. It was just like old times. Since we had review all that's happened to us in the past five months, I didn't go into detail with anything, but wow. I told him everything that happened to me. I told him about being hospitalized twice because I relapsed (didn't tell him about the suicide attempt though, 'cause I wanted to keep the conversation light), I told him about SATs, school, the family, myself, my recent self discoveries. Hell, I even managed to tell him I was trans. Actually, it came up as a joke, but yeah. XD

Me: So I figured out something about myself.
Him: You're a man?!
Me: Well actually...>.>

So we talked about that briefly. And he was totally cool with it. Unlike the first time I tried telling him where he was like "No you're just causing problems for everyone you attention whore!" o_O;

Then he told me about stuff going on in his life, he updated me on everything about the school I used to go to. And overall, it was just a really nice talk. We talked about the new pokemon also. XDD I plan to call him again tomorrow. ^^ Just ahhhhh. I haven't been this happy in a long while.

There's other stuff going on, but I'm not gonna talk about that right now because it might ruin the happy. <3 So yeah! That'll just have to wait!
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